Member-only story
Go For a Run, They Said. It’s Fun!
Those People Are Liars
I missed a couple workouts at the gym this week (pulled a muscle helping some nuns across the street or something like that). I was getting antsy so I decided to go for a run. Besides, people are telling me all the time, “Go for a run. It’s fun!”
I started running and instantly regretting it. I hit the pavement with a stride like I was constantly falling forward and just catching myself at the last possible moment. I made my first turn at the corner and thought I was aspirating blood. Every exhale was a wave of spittle and dry heaving. My breathing sounded like a humpback whale going under for the last time.
But then I started to get some momentum. This is fun! I thought to myself. An old lady smiled at me. It was probably one of those slow-motion-old-lady smiles, but we were matching speed so it came to me in real-time. A toddler passed me. I said a ... nevermind.
I pulled over to give my belly a rest from jiggling. Do they sell like a giant single cup sports bra for men? I was wheezing, about to chuck up a rib when an ice cream truck rolled over, playing one of those jingles with its delicious bells. “I’ll have a chocolate banana.” I was hallucinating. It was an ambulance. A guy in scrubs jumped out at me with paddles yelling, “CLEAR!”
