Man Found Alive in Cave After Five Years

• Okanogan-Wenatchee National Forest, Washington

Washington Area Man Jakob Pressley was found alive and well after reportedly missing for five years. He survived in a forest cave, sustaining himself with stream water and cave fish, occasionally heading out to harvest and nuts and berries when the weather permitted.

Mr. Pressley said he was sorry to have missed first woman-president Hilary Clinton’s initial term in office, later asking if Jeb Bush ran against her a second time in 2020. He was confused when authorities told him that Clinton had lost the election to Donald Trump. “The game show host?” Pressley asked.

He expressed deep gratitude to those who rescued him. Pressley knew someone was bound to find him soon because, as he said, “2020 was my lucky year — so I knew good things were bound to happen, not just to me but the entire world!”

When told that 2020 would go into the history books as one of, if not the absolute worst year ever, Pressley shrugged and said, “I guess some people can’t find the silver lining. It’s not like 9/11 or anything.” Authorities clarified that, in fact, it was much worse than 9/11.

Trying to change the subject, reporters asked what he planned to do after finally returning home. Pressley said he wanted to “throw a huge party with all my friends and family — especially the older ones — and hug them all so tightly, like, forever. Can’t wait to kiss my grandmother right on the lips! Then maybe I’ll take an…